39 - thursday

breaking up (with my computer) is not THAT hard to do.

I have been feeling really run down lately. I wake up with a pounding head after tossing and turning all night, too stressed to sleep soundly. I get out of bed in a fog and make myself coffee. it seems to help at first, but not three hours later I'm ready for more. I spend the day staring blankly at my computer for hours on end, agonizing over my to-do list, wondering why my neck is so sore. everything on it is a top priority, so where should I start? I try everything I can think of to make the headaches stop: twenty minute power naps (maybe I'm sleep-deprived?), eat something (maybe I'm just hungry and have low blood sugar?), drink copious volumes of water (I'm probably just dehydrated), go running (maybe I just need to shake it out). nothing seems to help.

I spend all day trying to begin (or God forbid, complete) a task, but am too overcome by anxiety about the other priority tasks I am ignoring to try to get one done. I collapse into bed, exhausted at the end of each day, having accomplished very little. I go to sleep feeling stressed about what didn't get done, and knowing tomorrow's to-do list will have today's failed attempts tacked on to it.

I woke up this morning determined not to feel trapped all day. I left my computer closed, off, on my desk, and picked up a stack of reports I'd printed the day before. I had to pay money not to spend all day with my computer today. I settled into my favorite chair, next to a sun-drenched window, put my feet up, and read. I read for hours, but my headache got no worse. I had no overwhelming urge to lie down for a nap. the headache didn't go away - I'm still stressed out to the moon - but at least I've now confirmed that life is a little better when not lived in front of a computer screen.

I ran errands, I met with some of my students, and at the end of the day, I made pizza instead of working.  my list for tomorrow will be worse for the time I took off today, but my mind is in a clearer place. hopefully it was the computer vacation I needed to get me ready to make the final push through the next two weeks.