85 - monday

last week I got all excited about my plan to build two raised beds in the sunniest, happiest spot in my backyard.

I planned out my supplies, my seedlings, and even set my construction/planting date. on saturday, I got ready to prep the area.

I went outside with toothpicks (because that's all I had) and twine. I staked the ground so I could begin breaking up the grass and readying the area for the beds.

but while I was out there, I noticed a giant fire ant hill straddling the fence line, in dangerous proximity to one of my planned beds. this led me to panic unnecessarily and spend the rest of the day itching at imaginary ants and researching extermination methods. I learned that fire ants live underground, which means their colony likely extends under my raised bed and that breaking up the grass will bring a world of itchy burning pain.

it took several days, but today I finally mustered the courage to take action.

so I present to you: how to slay a colony of fire ants

step 1: boil water. acknowledge that your boyfriend suggested this days ago when you made your initial discovery.

step 2: don your protective gear. while researching, you learned that fire ants climb vertically when threatened. your garden clogs will not do the trick, but your $20 target rain boots are definitely ant-proof. right.

your boyfriend is deployed, so it's ok that this is one of the least attractive extermination getups you've ever worn. 

step 3: while you wait for your water to boil, make yourself a snack. i had a piece of toast with peanut butter on it. mmm, peanut butter. 

it's also a good idea to unlock the back door now and leave it slightly ajar, so you have speedy access to the ant hill when it's time. 

step 4: when your water is boiling, move quickly. grab the pot, don't scald yourself, and do the ant-slaying shuffle out to the backyard. straddle the hill so that your vertical parts (read: feet and legs) are as far away from angry escapees as possible. slowly and deliberately pour the boiling water straight down the middle of the ant hill, ideally collapsing it onto itself.  that depression in the top of the picture = collapsed casa de fire ants. die, bitches. 

cackle with pleasure as you see the steam rising off the ground and hope that somewhere deep in the hole, the fire ant queen just met her maker. 

if you're not a neurotic freak, it's ok to stop now. if you are, proceed on to steps 5 and 6.

step 5: feeling unsatisfied with your results, decide you need to repeat the process. except make it more badass. put another pot of water on to boil. while you wait, gather your weapon of choice, remembering from your research that humble dish soap does impressive damage to stubborn, venomous ants.

dawn. not just for saving baby animals. 

step 6: when the water is boiling, quickly dump 2-3 swirls of soap into the pot. it's ok that the water stops boiling immediately - the soap breaks the bubbles but I promise it's still screaming hot. now go outside and repeat step 4, except instead of mere cackling, take extreme delight in watching the hot suds of doom collapse the hill even more and saturate the surrounding area.

SAYONARA, ants. 

raised bed construction starts tomorrow.